Time Out of Mind by Ruth Hay

Time Out of Mind by Ruth Hay

Author:Ruth Hay [Hay, Ruth]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Ruth Hay


* * *

I never know whether to be happy or sad at this time of year.

There were spring flowers on the grounds of the nursing college that year, but for me they signaled danger. I had made it through the winter months without anyone noticing that I was pregnant, but I did not know how much longer I could disguise my shape in outsized wool jumpers. Fortunately, fashion was the last thing on my fellow students’ minds as final exams loomed. My strange attire was overlooked. Few students had money for new clothes in the war years.

Only one person at the college knew my secret. One of the servers in the cafeteria had seen me snatching leftovers from plates as I passed empty tables. I knew it was risky behavior but I had such a hunger that I could not resist the scraps of pie crust or cold chips. I spent every spare moment in the cafeteria as it was warm and quiet, except during meal breaks.

Eventually, the girl, whose nametag announced she was Margie, drew me aside one day and asked if I would like an extra sandwich. I was so ashamed that she knew I was too poor to pay for food that I blurted out my condition then dissolved in tears at the relief of confessing my predicament.

She pulled me into the store room behind the service counter, dried my tears and made me drink a glass of milk to calm myself. She did not appear to be surprised by my confession. She must have been watching me for some time.

“Look, hen,” she said in a rough Glasgow accent. “Ah’ve a good idea what ye’re goin’ through.

Ah’ve been in the same position, mair’s the peety. Ah can help ye, but you’ll hiv tae make up yer mind aboot whit ye want to dae. Are ye efter an abortion, an adoption, or dae ye want to keep the kid?”

I was shocked to hear these alternatives in such blunt speech but it made me respond emotionally in words I had not dared express until that moment.

“I don’t want to lose this baby. I won’t give it up!” I exclaimed.

“Weel then, ye’ll hiv tae think fast. Ye’ll be showin’ soon. Ye’ll no’ be able tae hide it ony longer. Think on, lassie, think on.”

I fled from the cafeteria in anguish, knowing Margie was right, and despairing of an answer.

My parents would disown me immediately if they knew my situation. It was a family disgrace to be pregnant out of wedlock. I could not face that confrontation. There was no one I could go to for help.

In the end, it was Marion who precipitated the solution. She had noticed my changed attitude. For months now, I had turned down invitations to dances and films. She had wondered about my untidy clothing and finally she cornered me after class and accused me of carrying some grudge I was unwilling to discuss. I cringed inside at these words since what I was carrying was much worse than she could ever imagine.



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